Letters
by my black crimson rose
Summary: He had so many things to say, he just couldn't write his thoughts down quick enough.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Blake,

I'm sorry that I'll never be that man that you hoped I'd be.

Adam crumpled the paper up and threw it onto the over flowing pile. His waste basket filled with unfinished letters. Every day since she left he'd write to her, a sentence or two before throwing it out. Sometimes he'd write twenty unfinished letters, sometimes more and sometimes less. The first week was the hardest. When he would catch himself turning in midsentence to glance back at her for her input, only for her to no longer be there.

Blake,

I hate it. I hate that stupid bow of yours.

He crumpled that one up to.

He ripped the mask off his face and threw it across the room. He didn't understand why he does this to himself. Why does he hold onto her when she has moved on? She got a new partner—a whole team. She was happier without him. She must not even think about him either.

Adam ground his teeth together grabbing the beer bottle beside him and he too threw that across the room. It shattered against the wall, the liquid spraying out and soaking the wall and dripped to the floor. Adam snarled grabbing another object, this time a lamp, and he threw that to. Nothing was safe from his rage; that burn in his chest and the pounding in his ears.

He knew exactly what he wanted to write to her, but he never would. It could be because he was scared, but that wasn't it—not truly. He just didn't want to write it because he knows she'd never see it. She'd never get to reply to it.

He kicked his sofa with lackluster, his limbs feeling heavy as his eyes pricked and grew wet. He fell to the ground as if his legs had given out and clutched his hair and covered his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

She had no idea just how he had gotten in, or why he was even here in the first place. She had asked him, multiple times in fact. He just didn't reply. He just kept opening his mouth to either say her name or sigh heavily. And each time she would cut him off with a hiss, "I'm serious Adam, you shouldn't be here. How did you even get in?"

He brought his hand to face, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I walked in the front gates," he replied finally. His eyes naked without his mask, "I wanted to see you," he said finally. Two weeks ago he had gotten a letter from one Blake Belladonna, it was over ten pages in length. Written in her elegant hand writing she had given him a brief summary of everything that had transpired since she had left him on the train. She shared with him her feelings, being surrounded with so many new people and how she couldn't trust any of them. Not until just recently that is. She told him of her friends; he was already well aware of them through his line of work. She told him more about her past, and how being partners with her helped her realised her true potential.

She had told him that she'd forever have a place for him in her heart and wished him well.

His heart had leapt to his throat then. He had to leave his bedroom and make a few laps around his living room, where he had to mind the broken glass that he had still had yet to clean up. He had dumped his trash out onto the floor, gathering together all the letters that he had left unwritten. Smoothing them all out and deciding once and for all that he would contact her.

And here he was standing in front of her, a folder tucked in the inside of his jacket just waiting for him to give her them.

"Blake!" a girl in a large red cape came running out of their dorm building, skidding to a stop beside her team mate. Ruby Rose, the girl that Roman mentioned. She looked up at Adam, "who's this?"

"Adam," she replied pointing to the man, "this is Ruby she my—"

Adam turned his head away from the two girls, "I'm aware of who your teammates are," he sighed running a hand through his hair. Shit, this wasn't going how he wanted. He wasn't exactly sure what he was expecting, but a third party was certainly not it. But fuck it all, he was going to do this. He was going to hand her that envelope, tell her his feelings and get the fuck out of dodge before anyone else showed up.

He opened his mouth to try again. "Who's he?" Yang Xiao Long appeared her golden hair standing out anywhere. He remembered Junior mentioning this one; she had a fiery and explosive temper. But then again, so did he.

"His name is Adam," Ruby piped up happily her arms crossed over her chest.

"He's a Faunus," Weiss Schnee supplied joining her teammates. She still disliked them, Blake was her only exception. They were teammates; they couldn't afford to have something so trivial tear them apart. And even more than that they were friends. Adam scowled down at the white haired girl, his distaste for her plain on his face.

This was really not going how he pictured, and hoped it would go. He huffed taking the package out of his jacket and shoving it into Blake's arms. "Just read them, I'll talk to you later." He then turned tail, his shoulders hunched. It wasn't meant to be like that. He wanted to explain it first, the frame of mind he was in when he wrote all of those. Hundreds of pages, with few words on each one. He fished out his mask from his pocket and returned it to his face to cover his disappointment.

"Adam!" Blake called. Adam paused to allow her to continue, "take care of yourself."

—

Dear Blake,

Why now? Why did you leave now and not before? Wh—

—

Dear Blake,

Fuck this. Fuck you—shit that wasn't what I wanted to say. Shit.

—

Blake,

I hope this was everything you wanted.

—

I miss you. I hate that I miss you. But I do.

—

Dear Kitten,

I don't even know what to write most of the time.

—

Dear Blake,

I'm sorry that I'll never be that man that you hoped I'd be.

—

Blake,

I hate it. I hate that stupid bow of yours.

—

Blake had read them all, all two hundred and sixty seven of them. She felt her eyes prick as she picked up the last letter, this one longer. Much longer compared to the rest.

Hey Blake,

I never know where to begin with these. I go from one stupid emotion to the other and my hand can never keep up with it. Some days I'm mad at you, while other days it's hard to even think about you. Then there's those days that I turn to say something to you and remember that you won't be there. I'm glad that you're finding happiness at Beacon, and I'm sorry I could never provide that for you.

You'd hate me for what I've become since you left. I won't lie to you, not now. You gave me hope in a better life, made me want to be better. Even if it was just for you. I'm not a good person Blake, but you make me want to try. Just so you could smile at me one more time.

It's stupid how much I love you. So fucking stupid in how much control you have over me and you're not even here. You probably don't even care about that. Living beneath that bow and striving to become a huntress while the rest of us prepare for war. Ever since I got you that damn thing I've wanted to do nothing else but burn it.

This wasn't how I wanted this thing to go. I wanted to just get it over with. Tell you the words I never could and be done with it. So here it is again; I love you. I love you. I love you.

-Adam


	3. Chapter 3

He hadn't spoken to her since the day that he snuck into Beacon. He hadn't even seen her. It could be safe to say that he was avoiding all things Blake. From the desk that he had most often found himself sitting at when he wrote to her. Or, well threw paper balls from. Even the new lamp that he got after breaking the last one served as a painful reminder. So he refused to turn it on, even when it was the closest one to him some nights.

He was not being childish.

Adam grabbed the envelops from his mailbox and tucked them into the inside of his jacket pocket as he turned to take the stairs up to his floor. One flight turned to three, his shoes slamming against the metal stairs tiredly and he opened the door leading to the fifth floor. Today was long, it was boring and it over all just left him with a feeling of frustration. He dug the keys from his pocket, turning it with a flick of his wrist and shouldering his way through the door. The stupid thing liked to stick at the worst of times.

He tossed the papers from his pocket on the kitchen table followed by his keys and jacket. He kicked his boots across the foot, both landing just shy of the door but still on the mat. He fell face first into the couch, laying his weapon on the floor beside him.

In his haste to reach the couch Adam hadn't noticed a letter hidden amongst the bills. He hadn't seen the beautiful scripture that read his name.

—

"So who is he?" Yang teased from her spot on Weiss's bed. "He looks older," she smiled leaning forward. Blake's cheeks flushed from her seat on the floor in front of the book self. The folder filled with Adam's letters held tightly in her arms. "Is he a… well," she glanced at Weiss and the Schnee heiress stared back the golden haired girl coldly, "is he a member of the White Fang?"

That was a question that Blake often asked herself as well. Was Adam still in the White Fang even with a human commanding them? If he was it must sit wrong on him, it going everything that he had spoken of with her. And he wasn't wearing his mask when he had come to her that day. And if he wasn't in the White Fang anymore, then what was he doing now?

"I… don't know." She looked down at the folder in her arms, not once had he mentioned anything about what he was up to. "The White Fang isn't exactly following the path that he might feel comfortable with," she sighed heavily and slowly looked up to her friends' curious faces.

"As in attacking people and stealing stuff?" Ruby supplied, the pitch of her voice rising at the end.

Blake shook her head, "working with humans," her voice was grave. She wasn't proud of the things that she's done in the name of the White Fang, and she saddened by the things that Adam has done for them as well. He may one day feel the weight of the things that he's done.

Weiss huffed, "so he's a beast then," she couldn't help but sneer. While she and Blake had put the whole Faunus 'coming out' ordeal behind them, the Shnee heiress wouldn't (or couldn't) warm up to the idea of other Faunus. It reminded Blake of Adam in that regards, although Weiss wasn't at an extreme point like her old partner was.

Blake wanted to argue that he wasn't a beast, or a monster that everyone claimed him to be. That he was just… extreme. Or that the world had made him that way. But it didn't exactly sit right with Blake. Adam had that monster inside him, and at times it made her fear him. But Adam also had kindness within him. He had shown her more of that side in each crumbled up letter that he had written. "This fighting has made monsters on both sides," she finally replied forcing it out.

She felt horrible for saying it, although it was true. Adam had that side in him; that part of him that made him bare his teeth and snap at others. That part of him that would take lives without even blinking. She had seen that beast in him emerge far too often for her to lie about.

"It's the reason why I left," Blake continued her mind running a mile a minute. "We weren't about peace anymore, we were striving for war. I didn't want anything to do with that… I didn't want to watch him have to kill people for the cause," she shook her head. She felt like an idiot. Leaving him that day wouldn't have changed the fact that the White Fang were moving towards war and that Adam would have to kill people if he was still with them. The only thing that she's done is run away and left his back open.

Ruby rolled off her bed and plopped down beside the black haired girl. She took Blake's hand in hers and said, "We don't blame you for wanting to leave and you shouldn't blame yourself either." Blake sniffled rubbing at her eyes with her arm. Both Yang and Weiss joined their teammates on the floor, Yang wrapped her arm around Blake's shoulder and Weiss placed both of her hands on the Faunus' knees.

—

Adam woke up hours later feeling worse for wear. His forehead pounded, his eyes burned and his limbs felt heavy. He groaned as he sat up, he didn't even notice falling asleep. He moved his weapon to the coffee table before standing. His back and knees cracking and popping as he moved. He felt like he had gotten run over by a train. He walked to the kitchen, turning on his coffee maker before picking his jacket off the table.

He began to tidy up; jacket on a hanger and placed in the closest, keys moved to a bowl by the door. He began to sort through the bills as he leaned against the counter waiting for the coffee to finish. His mask sitting on the counter, the pressure that he felt against his forehead lessening slightly now that it was off. He hated wearing it lately. Made him feel like it was his collar and cage all in one.

Adam

The curve of the A drew his attention. He couldn't open it fast enough. He pulled the letter out, discarding the bills and the envelop that it had arrived in. He held the paper almost daintily, grasping it with only the tip of his forefinger and thumb.

Adam,

Sometimes I think that I'm a coward. Most times I think about how my actions in leaving you and leaving the White Fang would be what get you killed. It's silly to think that, but I can't help it. I can't help but fear the possibility that I'd never get to see you again and to never really apologize for leaving that day. Even if I felt, and still feel that I've done the right thing.

I can't stand seeing that side of you that could kill people go easily. Every time I think about you lately that's all that I could picture. You saying, "What about them?" with that cold tone of yours. I keep seeing you surrounded in red and I don't want to. I want to remember the Adam that's still buried within you, the one that I see in that journal that you told me to keep safe. I want to remember you as the teenager that threw a jacket over my head to cover me from the rain. I want to remember the Adam that taught me how to fight, and how to cook, and how to survive.

I want to remember the man, not the beast. I love that Adam, not the one created from bloodshed. I'm afraid of that part of you, Adam. How you don't care about people when you're like that. It makes me afraid of what you could do to me when you're like that.

Would you turn on me too if I got in your way?

I don't want to be afraid of you. But I am, and I can't help it. I'm afraid of the monster that you're becoming and I don't even know if you notice it yourself.

-Blake

He slammed the paper down against the counter. His throat tightening, he swallowed dryly. He drove her away. He balled his fists, and exhaled through his clenched teeth. He drove her away. His head pounded, he reached up to press a hand against his temple. It wasn't working, the pain behind his eyelids only growing. His body sank to the ground, his back pressed against the cabinets with his hands pressed against his temples.

He drove her away.

She feared him. She loved him. But only a part of him. Was that really love at all? Could you claim to love someone but only a small part of them… was that well and truly love then? These thoughts only made his eyes prick with wetness, his head feeling as though someone was stepping on it. Slowly adding more and more pressure the more he thought.

He wanted to dive to the nearest paper and pen in his apartment and begin to write. A part of him wanted to beg her not fear him. That he wasn't a monster that everyone claimed him to be. And that he was a man not an animal.

But another part of him, the part of him that was grounded by the head splitting ache coming from his skull felt like an animal. The part of him that would grimace when people looked at him with that look, the one that made he feel like he was caged, beaten and hostile. The mask that he wore that he had once been so proud of feeling like a collar and a leash. Choking him with each passing day.

The part, the beast… the monster half of him kept him seated on the floor. Kept his hands buried in his hair, and had kept his eyes from watering further. That part had later made him pick himself off the floor, crumble up the letter and burning it into the sink. The part that Blake claimed was the beast had always been with him; he was a beast. A monster.

The world was finally just noticing just how cruel he could be.


End file.
